Chubby Little Pumpkins

What kind of music do mummies listen to?

Wrap.

This is probably the most entertaining part of Halloween -- the horribly obvious jokes. That and the fact that I can snag bite sized candies anywhere my fat face happens to wander. But in all honesty, this supposed holiday boggles my mind. It doesn't make any sense, hardly anyone really knows of its origin or historical implications, and in my humble opinion, it's just another forced piece of retardation directed at our ever increasingly dumbed down culture.

Doesn't it at all seem the slightest bit askew that there's one day out of the whole year that we're expected to dress up in costume and regress to a glorified state of peasantry? No matter what you or your child dresses up as, you're giving off the strong impression of a mindless beggar. Either you're begging for candy, or begging for attention with your costume. If you're so mentally poor, act like it everyday so I don't have to guess whether or not you're really a classless pawn. It's not that I have a problem with dressing up, eating candy, talking to strangers, or having a good time being a silly goose. What I do have a problem with is someone telling me that it's only acceptable for me to do these things on this one specific day. If you tried to pull off Halloween shenanigans on any other day of the year, you'd wind up in jail. So, what the eff is so special about some day that people have turned into a mindless way to control the masses?

First of all, trick or treating is a perfect example of what a paradox our society has become. This isn't the 1950s anymore. People don't talk to each other on the streets. Everyone's in their little bubbles and refuse to reach out to their fellow man on any given day. Yet on one stupid day in Fall, when people are told to interact with other drones, everyone drops what they are doing and come in contact with more strangers than an inner city harlot. And by the way, if it's trick or treat and I had something to say about it, I would prefer your insufferable ass try and trick me every time. Not because I don't like you and I don't want to give you sweets but because you're expecting something on a night just like any other and yet you can't even look me in the eye when you walk by to get your mail. How about I come to your door and trick you into thinking you aren't as dumb as you look?

Another thing. I'm convinced that Halloween is a leading cause to the increasing child obesity epidemic that is plaguing our chubby little pumpkin youths throughout the country. It's like waving cigarettes or booze in front of a "trying to quit" smoker or a recovering alcoholic. We know that there's a problem in this country with lard butt, turkey neck, back neck roles, man boobs, golf ball thighs, jiggly jowels, and a whole host of other ways to say that someone is too fat to let that last piece of greasy bacon go to waste. What a culture. Let's cash in on the gluttony and lack of self control of the populus. Let's just bet against the handicapped in cage matches while we're at it. Fat, fat, fat. And it's all because of the candy companies, costume companies, and corporate ghouls.

Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?

His ghoul friend.

So why do people accept people dressed as ghoulish creepers on October first but completely reject gothic teens with scarred wrists? It's okay one day but not the other? Use your brain, World. I don't know. I guess I'll never understand Halloween and I don't have a problem with that. The burden of making just a little bit of sense isn't upon me. It's upon the shoulders of all of the dumb dumb kooks who don't understand what they're doing on All Saint's Day Eve while thus misguiding their soon to be dumb dumb kook kids.

Shame, shame, I know your name.